ANOTHER NIGHT

Another night, another day

And I can't bear to see my face

It's not what I thought I'd be

It reflects someone else

A stranger's face

Of the guy who wasn't made out of love

Probably it was just a good fuck

Never expected a son suddenly would've popped out

The mess was meant to be

It was already done

What do we do now?

Give it to best hands

It doesn't matter he'll understand

It was her cross to bear every year

It's been a mistake I've paid with every tear

What do I fear when I see you?

Feels like we've been here but we don't come to a conclusion

It's not always about love and disillusion

Yes once for the first time

Wasn't all about sparks and feeling fine

But it was ours, I was not one but three, my shadow you and I

And all the shit I carry with me

Everywhere I go

But then someday you said you've be there for me

So, why  are you not now walking this fucking long road with me?

And years after I have felt this

But to be honest everytime I'm more conscious how to handle it

Even when it hurts to control to keep my fucking mouth shut while my brain's screaming

And the words come slow

Afraid of every step I take now

Like if this shit was taking me somewhere

But it gives me a home

And I feel it's all I need to start

If only this place could always be that warm

Sometimes I can't even count on myself

Then I do things I make myself regret

And all those things I never made

Would I ever know I've be this stucked?

If they knew they wouldn't have fucked

And the world would be a better place now

Or maybe not

What's the fucking reason I have come here?

Why the fuck?

To write this shit maybe, to deceive and cheat and be a childish dumb

I see no point in anything I can't hold me now

Where are my old wishes?

How would've that happened if I kept myself unaware and innocent of the fucking system I am part of

It could have never been and too much time I spend in my dreams

This fucking body was made to sleep and never do

Why the hell I can't have you?

If I'm ever old where will you be?

How can I keep going after every loss I've been?

How will I?

I need answers and they doesn't seem to come from the sky

God or something give me the reasons why

This need of sleeping forever calls me every day and night

And I still feel like I've done nothing

I come with the right excuse to lie

But then I have to face myself in these nights

That little place in my head looks like this room right now

At 4am, lights off, disillusionment and sadness on, a darkness that is beyond me, so I can't see who's with me and my eyes as the window to this world outside

I still can't feel like it's mine

And here I am being part

Of the ones who feel they don't belong anywhere outside their heads

How stupid is it that we come to earth?

Everything seems so organized to make it work

And it didn't work for me

Somebody tell me, where I went wrong?

Now I'm part of something

Can you see it mom?

You exist but you don't care about me anymore

I could write a thousand things about you

But still you wouldn't care

I am beyond abortion I have a physical body but in your head I'm dead

She has died for me, you have never been there

Still you deserve your worldly name

Next to a dad which once was there

And I don't remember ever calling him by it

They claimed him so early but maybe it was late for him

4 years before and I wouldn't even be lying here

It just meant to be that way, someone else took your name and  was well worth it

He's not here either and I know people dies but why so fucking early around me

I don't care if you compare but this shit has happened to me and I carry with me and put my shoes for me and get me out of here

You know she's the only reason I am here

But then I may think too much but what is next?

Shit this hurts, burns, dig deeper this hole, bring it on

Before I'm gone bring me days of joy I hope for these days to last more than a while

Break the cycle of short smiles

Search for the everlasting-happiness files

Or take me with them in a perfect night or day I don't know

where the last thing I leave here is what doesn't last long

A smile, is it too much I ask for?

I guess it's better to still feel than feeling nothing at all

Because I don't ever want that day to come

They say living dead don't exist when there are too many close to it

And why do they come for?

Give me a person to walk with

So my questions would make sense once I'm explaining

Stupid ideas you'd be tired to hear of

Then I would have let it all go

All the shit I still carry on

See I have no tattoos in my skin

A dark place I've put them on

Listen to my voice within

All my old-school shapes you'll see

I'm everything but cool inside me

Who cares?

Me and my selfish ways

Write too much about myself

And yet there's a lot to write

Salty water's dried

5 am, music on

Stupid wasted time

It was just another night.

08.08.2013