FRENZY

A letter that probably will never arrive. Pt. 1.

I would like to start by telling you

that I am sorry.

I am really, really sorry

sorry 'cause I know I hurt you.

Sorry 'cause I haven't changed at all

in the same aspects that made me destroy all we had,

I have to admit that I feel sorry for myself too, I'm sad

Sad because I can't change the past

Probably you might be wondering what is this about

Probably not, but this is a confession that I have to do,

do you remember I used to scream at you so loud?

I wish you wouldn't, for all of that I'm sorry, forgive me, please do

Somehow while I'm writing this I feel as if I was screaming for attention

but as I mentioned

this is something that I need to do,

and for this, after so long, I'm sorry too.

My hands are shaking 'cause I'm not sure of how to do this

my heart needs to let go

there are no right words to express this

I'll try to do this as it comes

and if you ever read this

please don't relive all the damage I caused

I don't know how to do this

all I know is I was wrong

and I want to go the root of the monster I've become

since then I've been doing it wrong

and probably before this 

I was making up excuses to never accept it

blaming this and that

it should stop.

Maybe I will go back and forth

please believe me I don't want it to be offensive,

I need to find where it started to go wrong

it's been around 13 years I've been with this rage frenzy

Back in 2008 before I met you, it started

I don't know exactly the day,

but I'm sure it started that way

when I was with someone I used to call "my first love"

and it was very especial, I would be lying if I say it wasn't

and I should've analyzed this long before "we" happened

so I wouldn't have caused all this,

but I believe things happen as they have to happen

if you ask me if I believe in the future I woulnd't know what to say

I'd say yes but I believe things can change in the way

or probably it's all written somwehere and it all happens as it may,

see, I don't know how to explain, sorry I get lost in the way

So I thought this "first time" was for all time,

I discovered, what I suppose, is the meaning of "love"

being 18 and a rebel, being myself with someone I didn't know

not thinking of my family at that time,

I felt I was able to escape rejection, I wanted it for so long

I felt strange in my own body before that for being attracted to men

I had to hide and I didn't realize that I was hiding also a side of me that I liked,

guess I wanted to send all these feelings to the basement at that time,

especially 'cause inspiration use to come out of sadness

and I wanted to let go of that,

I started to change, I guess, 'cause I wanted to avoid the pain

the pain of losing my mom 

and thinking I could lose also Maria and my dad,

I didn't want to think of that at that time, 

so I didn't take care of the treasure I had...

...at home.

I was staying at this guy's place almost every day,

I wasn't really conscious that money could get in the way,

I remember feeling bad sometimes 'cause I couldn't help

so I would take things from home to his place,

we were waking up together almost every day,

of course he was way more independent than me,

he lived alone in Cali, his family was far from him,

he was careful and he knew how much he could spend,

I wasn't even thinking of that, I just wanted to be there, 

so I started to feed this need of being always with him

to fill a void that I had to solve, instead I felt I would never be alone,

and I wasn't alone, I got the wrong concept of "love"

and I thought it was based on being with him

every time, and it was all so innocent that it was the first time

that I knew I could cry and open in front of someone,

so I became dependent on the situation we had,

ever since that moment I thought the person that I was with

had to be there and couldn't feel that for someone,

so invasive that I know he felt asfixiated of my dependence on him,

but I was getting blind, I was happy, feeling confident and complete

I was like "he's there for me" as if he couldn't have a life outside "you and me"

how stupid I should have stopped that but I allowed myself 

to feel everything as I thought it was right

I had no idea how it would turn out when he wanted his own space,

stupid little me blamed it on the people he met when he changed his career,

he was way smarter than I was, even though it was for both "our first time",

but he clearly knew, as it should be, that his life couldn't be all about being with me,

but I didn't want to understand, i was like I couldn't so I created my own victim show,

I had relationships before him, they were short and they failed,

I used to think going a date could mean something more only if I liked the guy,

to be honest I was so shy or cold, I don't know the right word, 

many of them I didn't really care about, 

but with him I thought I found "the one",

I couldn't stand the idea that he could leave me and make his life apart,

so he started to change and it was something like, 

"look, I love you, but please, you do you and let me do my own life"

I remember taking it as "there's no more you and me" and feeling close to break up,

scared at that time I didn't know how I would react,

I used to see couples in movies, or music videos, or lyrics about breaking up

I remember thinking like "oh no, this is happening, I can't let him go away"

jealousy started making its way, it was a feeling I used to know in different ways,

it's always bad to feel it anyway, but I remember as a kid being jealous of my friends,

so first it was a discussion, then I felt I had to do something else, 

something like "he has to hear me" "he said he love me he couldn't leave me that way"

"he has to do something for us" "if he loves me he has to stay"

but now I know it was all more like "he has to do what I say"

and not only what I had to say, how I thought it should be, 

in my "victim show", there was only one person wrong, and it was him,

how far from the truth I was, he had his own right to make his own life,

even if it was not with me, I don't think he ever cheated but even if he did

it was up to him, I should have started to heal this 

before I turned into this monster I've become.

Sorry for telling you all this, 

I guess you have identified we went through that,

but please let me be sincere,

here comes the worst part

Back to this time, we started to fight 

I started to make my voice louder, I thought that's how you make your voice heard

and then I found myself yelling at him, he would stay quiet,

so I thought I was in control and I had the right to say words to hurt

"because of course he hurt me first!"

I thought he was mine, so he wouldn't want to leave me

he couldn't look for advice anywhere because "why him?"

"why are you doing this to me?" "why would you want to go back with him?" 

(his ex), I thought you could never be friend with your exes,

I thought they should disappear and never stay in touch again, 

so every single person was getting "my relationship" in danger,

I was so lost in my thoughts, lost in my own "victim show",

and couldn't accept the fact of not seeing him again,

seeing him as my couple, as my boyfriend, the person that said he loved me,

I was going crazy, with family and friends I could pretend to be ok

but with him I was in this rage frenzy, 

since then I knew it was wrong but I did absolutely nothing to move on

'cause I thought I was right and I thought it was the way to protect what was mine...

I'm sorry 'cause I should have stopped that since then

and I never told you this, probably I did to one or two friends

but I didn't take it seriously at that time, as something I had to urgently treat 

I was not right, and what is worse, I have kept doing it on repeat...

So, it was December and he had to go with his family for the holidays,

he left and we were not ok, but it sure was coming to an end,

we barely communicated, I was like "no, if he loves me he has to make it!"

so when he called I started to complain, "why didn't you call me before?

"is this how much you care for the person you love?"

yes, I did all that with this guy before you, I'm sorry for not telling you this before, 

I wish I could easily stop thinking that I can be in control, 

I should better control my mind to do the things that I really want,

I should be able to do that, and I know I can but I need to let go of this to move forward

Eventually I got a call from him the first days after the new year,

I remember being sick on December 31st and wanting him to be there,

frantic, anxious, I answered his call,

(maybe you remember I was the same these dark, dark days, 

that I'm sorry it should have never happened that way)

he said we needed to talk before he came back,

I hung up the phone several times

I said something like "if you want to break up this is not the right way!"

"my birthday is close, this is not the right time!"

as if there was ever a right time to break up...

Today I'm still convincing myself it could be anytime,

anytime as the moment it's time to be apart,

so we met once he was back 

and he said he wanted to focus on his career,

and for that there wouldn't be enough time, 

instead of taking it as a bad thing I should have start by accepting

I had a lot to do with it, 

but I was on my own victim show,

so it was all his fault, "he doesn't love me", "he broke his promises",

"he's disgusted, he doesn't want to see me anymore",

I was like "ok", went home on denial, and cried and cried all along,

then my birthday came, and I called him to meet that day,

he didn't want to, but I conviced him, 

I think I haven't mentioned how "good" I became on manipulating,

now I hate it, you shouldn't force things, you should never play the victim

when you know you are wrong, and also to say sorry sometimes is not enough

but the years have taught me more than I could have ever known,

especially 'cause after all it has shown me all along the times that I've been wrong,

I'm glad that now I'm able to see it, but does it help to know it and keep doing it?

so, to continue, we met on my birthday 2009, 

we had a coffee and a beer at the bar we used to like,

we talked about random things but all I wanted was to ask him to back together

and when I did I had to thank the weather, cause he wanted to leave anytime

but it started to rain, it was a soft rain but then he was so uncomfortable there

he said he would take me to the bus but he didn't want to talk about that,

I wish I could say now it was for the better, 

'cause otherwise I wouldn't lived so many things, 

I wouldn't have met this amazing person you are,

or the incredible person I am with,

but my reaction to that was the worse and I should have stopped and think,

take a time for myself, months or years to heal, 

instead of thinking my reaction that day was normal, 

thinking like it was right to make all the drama that I wanted, to make him feel

absurd as it sounds I thought he would feel if he saw me running from him,

I ran and ran a couple of streets, I ran away crying, I don't know what movie I was in

he went behind me like the first two squares then I thought he would be right behind me

and when I looked back he wasn't so I cried even more like a kid that lost his mom,

I never thought it was the day I would graduate on the "drama shit" I've become,

It's even embarrasing to tell but in the search for the root of all this,

I have to admit who I've been, what I've done, to recognize this thing I've become

to see if I can finally let it go, from the eyes of the adult who has to learn from the shit he's done,

and I do want to say I'm done with that, changes take time and self comprehension

but if it's not now then I'll keep ruining everything or in detention, 

I need to let go of all these bad things I've done and there's still a lot to mention,

to let go of the problem now, I have to stop avoiding my problems and blaming it on the situation,

if I keep it doing I'm not learning and I want to let go of this cycle,

it's up to me, I can change, I have to able to let go of the shit I recycle,

it's not good for me, it will never be good, it hasn't, it wasn't, it doesn't have to stay with me, 

I want to say one day, look, yes that's who I used to be and when I can finally say that I've changed

I don't want to go vain and think like I'm above 'cause I've been in hell, 

because I know there could always be a problem, but problems I want to be able to handle

and to control myself, thinking of who I was and I who I don't want to be ever again.

Let me finish the situation that day, 

I realized he wasn't following me so I called him crying, 

that's when he said he went after but he got tired,

he said definately this is enough, away we should stay

I went home crying and the next months were not any different

crying all day and writting about how much I missed him,

I look back at these words I used to write, 

and barely any line recognized that I had to do with that

it was all about heart break without analyzing how much I hurt him,

with my wrong concept of "love", anyway what's the right concept, 

I feel now love is the union, it's a real strong force, a bond that makes you go forward,

something unexplainable that never goes off, you'll always connect to that force,

even when the people you love have gone, 'cause I feel like when it is true love

it goes to infinity and beyond, and I'm happy that I have been able to feel it

and to understand it this way, 'cause in that way I know and accept 

that we won't stay here forever but the love will remain, 

call it in your heart or your brain,

it's better to feel it, love connects with the soul, thank you universe for all the love sent.

(I got lost again, sorry, I can say that I love you and thank you for the time we spent)

Back to 2009, after that I was hungry to discover a new form of "love",

"broken-hearted", more like over-dramaticly victimized 'cause he left me 

and sure, "I had nothing to do with it", I started to look for new ways to please me, 

that year I met many people, "nothing that really fit me",

also someone that I really liked but he was way too far to even consider

we would ever meet and be someone especial in each other's life,

so I started to smoke more but not even compared as how much I do it now,

wait, I'm skipping someone who really made me feel especial, 

and I thought it was "love", but I understand now that I was trying to let go,

and I'm sorry with him 'cause I gave a false hope, but I really wanted to give back

to how especial he treated me, he came to visit the same year, 

I was like ok let's meet I have nothing to lose or fear,

I was "broken-hearted" and sad, 

couldn't even take some time to realize I had to heal myself first and step back,

not precisely to heal from the "broken heart" and the expectations I had,

no, to treat the emotional dependence and the frenzy of rage that I allowed to start,

we met again, it didn't work, I hurt him too, I'm sorry with him for the shitty person I was,

good that he loved the country and the people and for that reason 

he has come a couple of times back, to meet his friends here, I guess I'm not in that clan,

I also hope he finds someone especial that fit whatever he wants, I truly desire that,

the same year my ex sent me an email, it was around October 

I was doing anything to forget him and avoid feeling sober, 

he said one day he saw me and he felt bad that I didn't look back,

he said he was open if I ever wanted to talk, 

stupid proud me as soon as I read it I replied back,

saying that it was ok we took roads apart,

I was so stupid, no only because I felt like without him I was "dying inside"

but because I still in my own little proud mind blamed on him all the fault,

I was like "ah ok, now you miss me, we'll you won't get me back"

maybe he didn't even wanted that but that's what came to this mind...

I'm even embarrassed to recognize it now, years after, but I need to let go of that.

2009 passed by, and I told myself in 2010 "I will no longer feel sad"

I started to become on this clown, to try to entertain people

even though I know, I'm sure, I failed many times, many embarrasing times...

but I kept trying to let go of the fact

that my heart was broken, that I missed mom 

and that anytime that year I could lose my dad, 

I have to stop for a minute, sorry

I know I have gone to other sides that maybe you were never interested at all,

but it was not all about this "love-life", 

that year I was facing reality, I lost a semester, 

and I didn't have a way to pay it back, 

my dad's health was taking most of Maria's time, 

I was in a crisis like what should I do? how can I give back?

I know, I know, I should have done more, 

I could have done a lot more, 

did I ever tell you christmas of 2009 we had no money at all?

I had my first job that year and I bought the presents for Maria and my dad,

I will never forget how my dad cried, 

with all the lights off, before they went to bed,

I told them "baby Jesus has come!" then tears started to be shed,

the same way we used to it in family when I was kid,

we used to do it togeher, but that time it was only Maria, my dad, Milky, Emily and me,

I knew 2010 wouldn't be easy, I knew it could be the last time, 

it wasn't, Maria and I had the chance to spend with him one more christmas, 

one more new year's eve, but his health the whole year of 2010

was going down, from bad to worse, 

like my mental health and dealing with remorse...

So I used to pretend it was all ok, 2010 was the year of not being sad,

I have to admit that somehow it worked 

'cause a lot of good and unexpected things happened, 

and I thought I had to keep the vibe going 

'cause I didn't want to be that sad person at all, 

I still wrote some things about breaking up, 

I think never accepting, in any of them, my fault,

since then I kept pushing this part of me I don't want now down to a dark place

and little I knew it was waiting to come out any time it could,

maybe because deep down I was still thinking that I was the victim,

living behind doors in this drama world of fiction, 

only focused on showing that I was completely ok.

And that's when I met you, 

one day that I was bored, not horny at all

in a place where you were supossed to please yourself and others,

a website for the people who don't want a lover,

at least not in the moment,

just to have fun,

well, that day I was tired of that shit and didn't even know what to expect at all

and you came, and we talked and we talked for days,

it made me smile to see you were online, 

and then I thought like "wait! what are you doing?!"

but at that time I just wanted to let go of any warning sign

it just felt so good and I wanted to allow myself to feel that,

then you said you'd like to come and meet,

and I was like "what?! why is he doing this?! for me?!"

I thought I was not worth it,

not even because all the problems that I should be concerned about, 

but because I didn't feel I was enough for someone that I like

besides he wants to meet me, he wants to come from far,

then it happened, and we met, November of 2010,

sorry if it was October, 

I'm almost sure it was November,

it makes me smile that we discovered

each other.

A lot of things happened, it was the first time I traveled 

with someone especial next to me, the last time before that was my mother,

we have so many good memories from that travel, 

I remember we had to come back from Cartagena, I was so worried,

'cause my dad wasn't ok and all the way back home you were holding my hand

and telling me everything would be ok, thank you for that,

and then you saw that I worry even for things that hasn't happened yet

you realized I was anxious and in fact it did affect us

we had our first discussion,

it was nothing compared to how I behaved when I destroyed "us"

I'm sorry that years later with my stupid behaviour I broke our illusion.

The next days we were ok,

and on December 2010 we went back to Bogotá

to say goodbye,

it was a beautiful first time when we met.

I never before had a long distance relationship,

with someone I love,

we used to sleep with our cameras on,

I think we built also a true friendship.

Now I feel sorry it didn't last long,

2011 came and it started so wrong,

I lost my dad on February,

I started to lose again hope, 

now I only had here María and the dogs,

and you, I know you were there for me,

but I started to feel it wasn't enough,

you noticed that I changed, 

I wasn't even online sometimes 

when I said I would be there,

we distanced a little, I created it,

and then it was me who was claiming for your time, 

you did all you could I know,

but I had this feeling in my mind

that it wasn't going to work,

still you were there,

you understood I was running out of hope,

we met that year again

and didn't get to spend much time

'cause I had to work,

but I thank you for all you did for me,

and I'm sorry for the next months after you came here to meet me,

stupid little me didn't really worth all the effort,

so I let the frenzy of rage come out,

sorry, I'm really sorry for every single bad word that came out of my mouth,

I said things I should have never said, I didn't mean them

I was out of my own control somehow,

but still you were so lovely with me, 

and I thank you for everything you did

, especially thank you 'cause the year after

in 2012 you gave me the chance to see my favorite band ever after

I remember I wished so much you could be there with me, 

stupid me didn't understand it, 

if you could have you would have,

there's still something wrong with me, but I didn't even think of that,

I'm sorry, 

I'm sorry,

I went crazy, 

I yelled at you a lot,

I became a lazy fuck,

sleeping and drinking was enough,

and I will regret it ever

and for years to come,

I hurt you a lot,

I got lost inside a fake world 

and this time, for the first time, 

I can finally admit, 

I got lost also

in this fictional dramatic world,

"it is me who is losing everything!"

I thought the universe was in debt with me,

I thought the world had sometime to owe,

I got all the signs wrong,

what signs? It was me who was tremendously wrong

as of today I still need to worth things a lot more,

I'm sorry, I'm sorry,

I've been saying sorry for so long,

and it could be a lot of years more,

'cause it's like finally I know 

it was me who was wrong all along,

and as I said before, I'm sorry for every single bad word,

I didn't mean any of them, forgive me, if you ever read this,

you need to know that I'm aware of it,

and sadly to this day I have made the same mistakes.

Going back until today,

now I know you have your family,

you'll work hard for your kids 

I'm sure you are a great parent,

I hope you don't think of the hurt I caused,

I can say a thousand times I'm sorry,

and somehow I feel it will never be enough,

I hope your noble heart never changed, 

you are a great person, we all have issues it's ok

it's ok to be conscious about it and to work on it,

as long as it doesn't affect the people you hold close to your heart,

like I have,

I'm sorry, very sorry, I will say it from the start to the end,

this thing we had, I hold it close to my heart,

and thank you 'cause you helped me to define much better

this concept of love, that even today when we are not together

I wish you the best and send you all the good vibes,

it's this strong connection you have even with the people you can no longer look at,

this is something, for example, my mom, my dad, Joe, Zuka, Milky, Emily and María have,

they are this strong connection, I call love, that we will always have,

I want you to know that you make part of the people I feel close to my heart, 

Liliana (my sister) and many beautiful people are also part of that.

I wanted to tell you all this,

first 'cause I'm sorry, 'cause I haven't searched before for the roots of the problem, 

I have never thought so much of looking for a solution to this,

I have met someone I love and he is also being affected by it,

and I feel now it's gotten too strong,

now is affecting him and all the people I know,

for some time it was stronger when I was drunk,

now it has come to the surface and most of the time I'm thinking there's something wrong,

what is worse is that it's not only the guy that I love,

but with the people around, sometimes it could be anyone 

but it's a feeling like the world wants to cause me all sorts of harm,

extremely dramatic, over thinking a lot,

being conscious about it but letting it take control,

I knew at some point I would have to accept this,

that it's not the whole world who is wrong,

the change starts in yourself, so will I stop it 

or will I let it drag me to the ground?

I'm not here to entertain, I'm not here to be what everyone expects,

but I want to be a good person, even when I drink 6 beers or less,

no one is asking me for it, but I know I can't keep doing shit and regret,

at this point I've caused so much hurt that you have no idea 

I wish there was some point in time I could turn, 

I wish I never allowed myself to be that,

but I know I can't change time,

going back only has to be helpful to create a new start,

in the present, here, which is all we have,

at this point I've hurt so much this guy I love,

he also has helped me to define the concept of love,

we are so similar, yet so different, 

but I want to keep and push the best out of him,

I don't want to be the one whom he ends up hating so much,

I've been through that with some people that really caused so much hurt,

but why would I still hate them? what does hate help for?

I should have learned instead the things I never wanted to make, 

and let go of the person I became with the excuse of the pain

it all caused, I was damaged before, 

maybe with them I allowed myself to push the worse

out of me, but trust me I'm sorry, 

and as a kid, this is someone I never imagined to be.

I have a lot to write about the very, very good of the present,

I have a lot to accept, mistakes that I made, cause I never before thought of them

as I do now,

and I hope I can fix it, I really want to fix me,

this thing I'm being is not what I want 

not who I want to be,

and I'm really sorry with him

and all the people I feel close to my heart,

who think that I can't have a beer 'cause I will take it too far,

I'm sorry, for not being able to see it many years ago,

it's incredible also how could I have never take a time to say stop!,

it's been 13 years that I have allowed this frenzy of rage to come out,

I want it to stop, first by accepting that I can't blame on him, 

or anyone close, 

that I become emocionally dependant and that I can't fill this void,

with drinks, drugs, bad jokes or reflecting on others what I know that is wrong

in me,

'cause I have to heal to think better before I say something then I will regret for.

I wanted to tell you that I'm not in good place right now,

I have caused with my thoughts a lot of pain, 

pain 'cause I haven't accepted ever before

that this pain I carry in my soul

people don't even have to pay for

it's not their fault, 

as I said we all have issues,

life is not a fairy tale,

but why making it harder for things I need to solve, 

people don't have to pay,

I don't want to lose them, 

my love, my friends, the people that count on me

for being a coward and not facing my fears,

not with them, it should have never affect you,

I'm sorry that you were part of the people that got hurt,

but I don't want this anymore,

I promise me I will deal with this,

maybe it's too late to tell you this,

and I'm sorry,

but I don't want it to get late in my present,

I don't want my love or my friends to turn off the candle,

there could always be a problem, a stormy weather,

but I want to be able to say that's something I can handle,

at least to feel that it's not me who is causing them,

and to help others get through them, telling myself "remember when"

and to start to become who I really want, 

to look in the mirror and say "look, we made it this far!"

"you only had to look back for the bad things to create a new start",

I'm sorry and thank you, in this process somehow you're making your part.

For all the hurt I've caused you,

all the bad things I said and made you go through,

I'm sorry,

for all the hurt I've caused to the guy I love, 

I don't know if he thinks that I've gone too far,

we haven't talked today, I hope he forgives me,

I hope if he wants to leave he will not take 

anything of this frenzy of rage with him,

I'm sorry, he is the cause that I wanted to write you this,

'cause I'm sorry I never searched for the roots like this

when you were there for me,

I really hope it's not too late with him, 

I'm sorry, I have a lot to write about it,

about the things I deeply need to heal that hurt him, 

about the beautiful experience and the things we've been trough,

harsh days but we use to say we have an angel and we have made it through,

each of us has to handle our own stuff, but on my side I don't want it to affect him

my thoughts I control them, I won't let them play against me,

I promise myself that this journey to the past wasn't in vain,

I can heal and I will as I should have stopped and make it a long time ago,

to hear the people I hold close to my heart proud to say

"I'm happy you're healing, you're not getting in trouble anymore"

I want to be someone to admire, like I admire María's pure heart 

when I look at her picture on the wall, 

I would also have to let go of some people in the way, 

I look at the heart of people and I trust in the good vibes they have to be shared

so one day soon whenever I face fears and problems

I tell myself, "don't act out of rage, you can handle yourself, don't worry"

I have been letting this frenzy of rage act for me, dark thoughts, I should have solved them,

long ago, but still being alive is taking one day at a time, thank you, I hope you're doing great,

and again, I'm sorry.

9.9.2021

7:52 a.m.

Cali, Colombia