HOTEL ROOM

 

Have you ever felt cold sheets in a hotel room? 
How cold they feel?
It could be the air-conditioned
Or maybe energy stucked in the air
Lying dead there

Cold, old pillows
Like sitting with your bare butt
On wet meadows
In the middle of a forest
Old, cold pillows
Where you're suppose to rest
How many? How many?
Lied their head there, you ask
Once you're already inside
And you feel something is not right,
Full of doubts
Non-stopping thoughts
What happened with other guests in this hotel room?
Maybe they cried, had sex, sweat,
They smiled cheating, texting that line,
Or pretended they're happy
With someone new,
or someone they didn't really loved,
or worse,
Maybe they used this bed with remorse.

Sometimes the other side of the bed
doesn't need to be filled with regret,
It's just a room that is open to allow anyone
It keeps receiving guests one by one
It can't say no, it's always ready
To receive being shady,
In the dark, with no lights
Until someone opens its door again,
And then it forgets about the guests
that used to sleep there every night
It doesn't care, there's someone new, it's ok,
It doesn't need to have sex to let go of the stress, 

Like some humans do, to pretend to be ok, to be fine, 
'Cause there is no mind.

And sometimes it feels too heavy,
Maybe the last one who stayed there
Left a huge amount of energy, negative, heavy,
And no one showed up to clean it, unfair,
But a room can't clean by itself,
Every check-out must feel like hell,
Maybe not, maybe it thinks like
"next one, let's move on,
The bed is waiting, come along."

You never come into a room
Thinking of who was there,
Neither it does, it's just used to that
So when you leave, you're just another check out,
It doesn't mind
It's heartless,
It never shows itself dirty,
It shouldn't be but it couldn't care less,
If you don't like it, you can ask for another,
But for a room, that's pointless,
Because anytime, anyone could come,
It will just receive them, there's no bond,
It will always show up itself clean,
You can take that however you want,
Still I know what I mean,
But there's always the option to change for another,
It's always open to anyone, it doesn't bother
Whatever, whenever,
Guests are allowed anytime,
Anyway, that's the way it is,
Anyway, that's the way it was.

Words after a long silence
Can feel like swords
Hotel rooms just need a presence
And that just reminded me of the words
Once a wise woman said,
Not exactly with these words, doesn't care
It was something like this,
Probably I changed it to soothe the pain
But I can only remember it as it felt that day:
"If you want to sweep well,
You just get a new broom."

I decide to stop valuing so unnecessarily much 

the ones who left
So, no, you won't have more value as an ex,
Neither as the one who got away,
Been there, done that, this time I tried,
And tried hard because I wanted you to stay,
It clearly had to be in a different way,
Changes needed to be made,
Still there are every day problems that are calling for help,
Life for me is not a hotel where I can easily get an every day meal,
Hotel rooms could see people as objects, I need to heal,
So I'm talking about a place,
Where I have been, where I was and I used to stay,
And by all of it, I have to do this
Dissapointed, letting go,
it's my process,
If you want, think of me as your worse ex,
I don't need your interpretation,
About what I need to say,
It was about addition not competition,
Who said this, who said that,
It was all just repetition,
Instead of real change, we could have tried hard
Blame it on me if it makes your heart warm,
But real change only comes to life,
When you stop telling and believing your own lies,
Instead of trying once more, for real,
You said "not this time"
It took weeks to accept, it was hard,
Because I believed you loved me to the moon and back,
You even gave me a bottle that said:
"You are my favorite person"
You didn't have to lie
We were already apart,

It wasn't a child's game for me

You were important and that bottle broke my heart
How was I supposed to get over when you left your stuff behind?

How was I supposed to? 

when I really cared and you just decided to leave and disappear that way
I really wanted that face to face, open hearted talk
It felt like I was in love alone for a long time
And we were tired but you were never open to talk,
We didn't give our best chance to this,
My issues started to take over my heart,
Communication was broken, probably both sides,
I really felt like I was ready to stay with you my whole life,
I was wrong,
I have a lot of issues to be checked upon,
We could have made it together, hand by hand,
But you didn't want to, you just avoided all of this, you just wanted to enjoy life,
I understand it, I wasn't putting much from my part,
And to be honest I was tired of your attitude,
Always blaming it on my side,
Were you doing enough to save us?
If you didn't want to put any effort again to this you could have said it when you were going through that,
Why did you keep it to yourself?
Was it because you knew it would hurt us?
Sometimes is better to hurt with the truth,
Than staying quiet and lie to yourself for a long time,
And hurt people, because we can't read minds
If you didn't want to stay
You could've said what was going through your mind,
Because it seemed like a comfort zone,
Staying in bed, being mad and saying nothing at all,
I had many questions going up in this mind,
I was breaking and let the worse ideas come out,
It would have been beautiful if we made a dotted line
Where we could have decided to cut
With the knots in our minds,
To help each other hand in hand,
But it was never like that,
Always made me believe I was the one who needed to change, the only one,
And then, apart from all that you didn't do or did, 

which I'm sure you know inside yourself, 

Every single thing you did that was not ok

With me and with yourself, 

You knew exactly some things would have hurt us 

And still you decided to stay the same, 

It wasn't only me the one that had to change, 
You always blamed your reactions on me,
When you know there were also many things

you had to treat in your own mind,
Maybe we were never that seriously commited to each other
And that was why we never had that serious talk,

We didn't respect our agreements, 

We only let our inmature minds take over 

From time to time
Things happen for a reason,
And that moment when we were in crisis

Should have been the right time
To have that mature talk 

and respect our agreements for real

Letting it clear in our minds, 

That if there was real love, 

we could have been strong enough to do that
I would have loved to, 

Instead of that, 

you always wanted me to believe it was all my fault,

And said there are things I did, and things you allowed
And I was believing it, I was assuming all the guilt

crying on my knees,
No, it's not fair with me,
There's not just one victim here,
We were both victims of our lack of communication,
Stubborn childs wanting to be right,
But this was about addition, supporting each other, 
It was not competition, it should've never been 
It would have been great to say this with a clear mind

and an open heart,
I really wanted this to work for both,
Together, there were bad and good days

But I wanted us to get better, I wanted you to feel better
If only it was the both of us who wanted to stay together,
Not only on my side, 

Not only me trying hard

Begging to please try, 

Instead you decided to pick yourself apart
and you just decided to avoid me, 
Ghosting me, disappearing, pushing me away from your life
With the excuse there was no time,

But you know there was, 

You could have been more honest from the start, 

And say you just wanted me out of your life, 

It was unnecessary and painful the fact you brought me a gift

When you just wanted to run away forever and live your life

And once you decided to talk,
I couldn't say anything 'cause "you would start to rumble",
It always took a lot for you to be humble,
So I let your words flow,
It felt like "shut up and go",

Bringing up things as you felt them, 

Without caring about a word I said, 

I wish I was as cold as you were, 

You have no idea how I felt

Bet you just simply did not care, 

You didn't care anymore when you said you love me

I felt like the most annoying person on earth, 

Like the day I gave you a present at work, 

It teared me apart to feel you so cold, 

I felt I was the worse, unworthy and thrown, 
And I cried and I cried and I cried,
Slept many nights like an unborn child,
And allowed myself to be strongly affected
By the trauma I've carried of abandonment,

Fighting my dependance, 

Feeling stupid for wanting to feel you close, 
But for you I wasn't supposed to say one word more. 

Still I did 'cause I felt a lot for you, 

I didn't know what to do with the memories of our smiles, 
I felt you were my other half,
I knew I became a burden to you,

I felt I annoyed you so fucking much
And I admit it was hard,
Until I realized, after many rainy nights, 
you just wanted me out of your life,
You even used the words
once I said being angry,
"Changes we need to do, we won't make it together"
And I was like wait, ok,
I said it 'cause at that moment I thought it was better,
At a time that I didn't mean it,
I was just stupid and angry,

At least I didn't keep saying it forever, 

I was proud and stupid

the kind of things one says but regrets a lot after 
I wished you could've seen it
But you didn't. 

It takes a lot of time and pride 

from you to forget and forgive, 

We were hurtful with our words and actions

Why hurting someone you love so much? 

Then to feel bad about it, 

It doesn't make any sense, 

our monkey minds playing against us 

For all of that I feel sorry

'Cause we caused so much harm to ourselves 

But I'm not taking this alone, 

I assume my part, you do what you want with yours, 

It's up to you if you want to release your guilt 

Blaming it all on me, 

For me it doesn't work like it, 

It wasn't as it was in the past, 

Where I felt regret for years 

'Cause I really felt it was only my fault, 

Take it however you want, 

Inside we all know what we have to change, 

For me this is an emergency call, 

I won't allow myself to do that again, 

Things we deny and don't heal will happen until we learn. 

But then I realized too

"Wait, why am I suffering so much?" 

We were never that clear,
What were our goals together?
Were we getting near?
But yeah, sleeping was better,

Remaining silent and letting flow the bad weather,

How many times I tried? 

I loved sleeping together, 

I knew we didn't have to be in our best mood all the time

But when you were sad, I tried to make you smile, 

I tried to take you out of your mind, 

Then it just wouldn't work and I felt like a fool at times, 

But you just didn't want to get out of that, 
You know I was by your side,

Always tried my best for us to have a good life, 
You can't deny, 

I failed at times, 'cause I got lost in my mind

I wake up everyday fighting the good fight for my life

I just felt like giving up sometimes. 

I tried to find the ways to ask you to talk
You just seemed mad all the time,
But I recognize I wasn't always putting my all,
You know, I am also a human,
and I was also very tired to try,
To try for us, to understand you,
'Cause there wasn't a word coming back,

I always expected a sudden I Love You

Not only as a reply, 

You also used to get so much inside your mind
And for the pasts months it was always a bad attitude,
We were breaking inside,
If you didn't want to stay,
We could have had that necessary talk. 

I was left to wonder
"What would happen if we would've have that talk?" 
"Did he really loved me since the last time we tried?" 
"Was he with me just because I "pushed" him to try back?"
I kept asking myself all the time

"the last months he was always silent,
Was it the time that he wanted us to break up?" 

"Was he waiting for any time again to react that hard?" 
"Was it really only my fault the way he used to react?" 

"Why don't we just say sorry and make the changes we need and we want?" 

"Would he ever say sorry for hitting me that hard?"

"Would he come anytime with my favorite chocolate and melt my heart?" 

"Did Felipe told him something about the way he hit me? 

"Could it be the reason why he's afraid to come back?" 

"Will we ever go back to a good time?" 

"Does he miss me the way I miss him so much?" 

"Is he breaking the way I'm breaking so bad? 

"Will we ever treat each other so sweet at night?". 

I admit that the day we met with Liliana I was full of pride, 

I have always said it doesn't help for anything 

But I was nervous and you wouldn't believe anything I said

I wasn't strong enough to start that conversation
'Cause I always thought it was annoying to you,
You always thought I always wanted to be right,
I accept I did that many times,
But since we tried again I didn't want to do that, 

It was not fair,
For any of us, 
Since January I tried to change that, 

'Cause I know it bothers

And then I found myself asking at night 

"Did he ever notice that change?"
I got jealousy issues among some others, 

and I start to ask things I shouldn't ask about
'Cause it's all just accumulated trash
I really, really wanted you to help me heal 

and clear my mind,

At the same time I was fighting with myself

Because it was never your charge,
To be my mentor,
Or therapist or coach for my mind,
But you were the only one that could've helped me 

with love, from your heart,
At least at the time we were together,
You were the one I would have loved to do that. 

I don't think you have any close idea
Of how much you meant for me, 

How important you were in my life,
And that's why I was doing this,
'Cause I wanted it to be 7 different notes 

one each day
"7 days, 7 parts of my heart"

But everything got colder, 

There were even love notes, 

I wrote them when I felt it 

Remembering the good old days
At first I was going to name it
"7 days, 7 notes, 7 ways to let go"

You know why I wanted to name it that way, 
But then I thought it was too long,

It doesn't matter anymore. 

Anyway, this is it, I surrender
I needed to let go,
I already killed hope,
There's no room again for us
I have no trust,
And I tried to understand
Your no contact rule,
Cause that's the best way to get over a breakup

That's the best way to get over a toxic relationship, 

Which in the end that's nothing more than us reflecting on each other our own issues, 

Or at least that's what they say,

There were many options to find a solution, 

Instead of giving up forever and just fade away, 
We all find a way,
It can work better for some,
Especially when love's not enough
From one side,
Always someone ends up loving less
When they feel like they gave their all
Or less, or simply rest,
But the idea of love with that person
No longer exists
We usually idealize the other
Or see the other as we want it to be,
Just to realize everything is not how we want it,
Could make it stronger 

or go like: "bah, this is not that important," 

Let's say to this person:"mmm, look, we're over". 

We don't come here to change people, 

But we can do that from the heart, 

From our own experience 

and only if the other finds there's something to learn

And if they're open to receive it, to change for better
The road of growth can be hard,
Mostly when we simpatize too much with the heart,
But it's necessary to go through it,
And I needed it 

and this is the last time I'm writing about this, 

Clearly you and I have different ways to get over, 
I had too much to let go about this,
And I was scared because I had hope,

Everything got colder and for weeks I felt locked, 
I wanted us to understand

"That compromise is not an antonym of freedom", 
Now I take it as a lesson to myself,

And ever since I saw that phrase,

I keep reminding myself of it everyday, 

And I had to say goodbye to my old self
Whom had faith in us,
It can be easier for you now
Since you wanted to move on,
For a long time now,
And this is my divine time to let go.

I'm not expecting anymore "that last talk"
I'm not doing this to move anything inside you,

Like the last time you mentioned your crocodile tears
I no longer care if it does,
Go on and have fun with your new broom,
Kiss someone new under the full moon,
I'm not going to be stucked in the past,
Like I used to do it before you,
This time it won't last
I'm glad I keep learning everyday
To keep a clear mind,
And change my old ways,
And even though I know it is hard
This time I do it for me to heal my mind and heart,
You didn't even love me that much,
It's ok if you deal with this with the hunt,
We all have our own ways to heal,
I don't like yours,
but it doesn't mean that your way to get over is not right, 
I can understand people like that, 
I'm living my own process,
And this is not just a season,
Everything happens for a reason
I'm finally giving a real meaning to it,
Now I'm excited to go through this
And the changes that will come with it.

I had to mix everything I wanted to express,

I had to let go of this shit right here, 

For every day that I shed tears of pain,
I finally realized
I had to trust in myself, 

There are goals I have, and there are goals to make, 

To believe in, give and receive love, 

I have to really love myself first, 

To recover trust, build myself better and strong, 

by healing things in my past that were wrong
And I don't want to know anything about you and your new broom,
These lines are not part of healing, 

But still I need to let go, 

I remember you called me 

one day after you left, to insult me

Instead of talking about what happened, 

Instead of saying "Sorry, can we talk about this and find a solution for it?" 

I didn't say any offensive word back, 

But later the same night I got mad, 

And you thought I had to be ok after that

That day, when out of nowhere, you came back, 

Well, no, 

You really thought you could treat me that day

however you felt like, 

I'm not made of stone, 

inside I have a lot to take control of

And learn how to handle my emotions, 

But instead of healing 

you decided to look for other options, 

So I don't care anymore about you, 

You can hate me more, 

my love was never enough for you

And if it was you who didn't love me anymore, 

You should have said it a long time ago, fuck! 

You can tell people your clean version

Where nothing is your fault, 

At least when I talk about it, 

I talk about it all, every detail where I was wrong

But whatever, you can do it however you want, 

And yes, it hurt me to know you were on the hunt. 

We all have lessons to learn

Sometimes I wish that day 

never happened at all, 

But it wasn't only about that day, 

Probably I didn't want to accept our fate

You were not being sincere, 

You were bored here with me, 

We both had changes to make, 

I know you don't like that I say it, 

You rejoice yourself in throwing the guilt on me. 

"Why someone so important for me 

had to leave this way?" 

"Why something so important for me 

had to end that way?"

There's a lot I have learned from asking that to myself, 

I wish I could have written this in a peaceful state, 

I cried a lot for weeks, you didn't even care 

You sticked to your own ways to make your mind escape, well, ok, everybody finds their own way to forget, 

I wrote many parts of this drowning in tears, silly me,  

when I found out you already moved on, I found me. 

It all has changed, 

I'm still human 

Dissapointment and deception are the only things left

The way I idealized you had to end 

Thank the universe, we are and we are going to change, 

You didn't do anything bad, you act just the way you can, 

Thanks for that little push, 

Just know there's not one good thing I did for you, for us, 

that I would regret

'Cause I did it with love 

So I know it was not wrong, 

But I let go of these cute feelings today

It's over,

Just bye, you sucker
This is just the feeling being described

after weeks of tears, sadness, weakness and doom,

I can say

Your love felt like a hotel room.

03.11.2021

4:03am