LAYERS
we ended up talking about life
but that wasn't the reason
we were supossed to meet
but that wasn't the reason
we were supossed to meet
I felt nervous and awkward
'cause I wasn't really into any other thing,
but it was great he wasn't looking for that,
so at first it felt weird, kind of strange
and then it felt good
we talked about our feelings in the present
we talked about our feelings in the present
the kind of person who likes to share and listen
it really improved my mood
he taught me things
it really improved my mood
he taught me things
he learned through his career and experience
he was really into it
if I kept judging the things I call "shit"
I wouldn't have had the chance to meet him
as the time went by that night
it was time for him to go
I ended up thinking in bed
about everything we talked,
it kept coming back to my mind
"don't let anybody tell you: you should stop"
you can't stop to feel,
it will stop when it's time,
your time, it's your life,
nobody feels for you,
so you will know when it's right,
the thing is I decided to let go of my mask,
pretending I was fine, when I was not,
but I didn't mention to him
the anger I had inside,
the feeling of loss,
the pain of letting go,
and that's what came to the surface,
which I should have controlled
and talk about it again with him
or with somebody close
before I let it all go,
so I let it flow,
in the worse way,
and I knew it could happen
if I was too close
to this person
which I once adored,
I can't call it love,
'cause you just don't hurt
the ones you love,
and I'm sorry about it,
about all the bad things I did
when we were together,
when we were two happy kids,
two hurt people together,
we gave it all we could
but some things don't work as they should,
and on Friday night I let it all go
to see this person again
took out of me all the hate,
the frustration, the pain,
the cycle I had to close by myself,
we both know it wasn't a good end,
but at the same time I know
there wouldn't be another way to put an end,
happy endings probably only exist in movies and fairytales,
I said so many things,
I can't even remember all of them,
but none of them were good,
they only showed my worst self,
I'm sorry about it,
I'm really sorry about it,
and he doesn't have to worry about me
showing up again anywhere near to him,
I disappointed myself,
I kept telling myself:
"I didn't pass my own test"
I knew right after I had to look for help,
and I did.
So I met again with the guy I met last week,
he was worried about it,
I couldn't keep writing that night,
I just told him I felt completely sad
we met and talked and talked and talked
and I learned that this situation
it wasn't a test to pass
I wanted to let go,
I could have taken control,
or do it somehow different,
or do nothing at all,
but it happened like that,
and he taught me too
he was really into it
if I kept judging the things I call "shit"
I wouldn't have had the chance to meet him
as the time went by that night
it was time for him to go
I ended up thinking in bed
about everything we talked,
it kept coming back to my mind
"don't let anybody tell you: you should stop"
you can't stop to feel,
it will stop when it's time,
your time, it's your life,
nobody feels for you,
so you will know when it's right,
the thing is I decided to let go of my mask,
pretending I was fine, when I was not,
but I didn't mention to him
the anger I had inside,
the feeling of loss,
the pain of letting go,
and that's what came to the surface,
which I should have controlled
and talk about it again with him
or with somebody close
before I let it all go,
so I let it flow,
in the worse way,
and I knew it could happen
if I was too close
to this person
which I once adored,
I can't call it love,
'cause you just don't hurt
the ones you love,
and I'm sorry about it,
about all the bad things I did
when we were together,
when we were two happy kids,
two hurt people together,
we gave it all we could
but some things don't work as they should,
and on Friday night I let it all go
to see this person again
took out of me all the hate,
the frustration, the pain,
the cycle I had to close by myself,
we both know it wasn't a good end,
but at the same time I know
there wouldn't be another way to put an end,
happy endings probably only exist in movies and fairytales,
I said so many things,
I can't even remember all of them,
but none of them were good,
they only showed my worst self,
I'm sorry about it,
I'm really sorry about it,
and he doesn't have to worry about me
showing up again anywhere near to him,
I disappointed myself,
I kept telling myself:
"I didn't pass my own test"
I knew right after I had to look for help,
and I did.
So I met again with the guy I met last week,
he was worried about it,
I couldn't keep writing that night,
I just told him I felt completely sad
we met and talked and talked and talked
and I learned that this situation
it wasn't a test to pass
I wanted to let go,
I could have taken control,
or do it somehow different,
or do nothing at all,
but it happened like that,
and he taught me too
that the fact that I'm sorry
doesn't mean I have to be forgiven,
I can't expect that,
so I better keep zero contact going on,
and these lines are for you if you ever read this:
I'm sorry, it's been hard for me to move on,
I've had a hard time
dealing with the ghost of you,
sometimes I think I love you, I smile,
sometimes I think I hate you, I cry
sometimes I think I'm happier
the times I'm not thinking about that,
("that" is the relationship we had,
all, the good and the bad)
then it all comes back,
and I smile, and I cry,
and I smile, and I cry,
sometimes I wish I had a bit of the strength you have,
I think I have been stronger before
but somehow everytime I get weaker,
in this process I've had the highest highs
but also the lowest lows,
Somehow I think I'm doing better
learning about life,
taking responsibility
so I don't blame a bad day for the weather,
my mind keeps closing and opening doors
also I have found things about me
that bring me straight to the floor
it's a long road,
thank you for being part of it,
I'm dealing with this
And I know I shouldn't involve you in this,
this is my way of letting you go.
By the end of our conversation,
I learned that pain isn't something we can measure,
but we can manage the way we take pain,
healing hurts, understanding I treasure,
can't keep going back to the way I came,
It's literal when they say "no pain, no gain".
And then we talked about layers,
how we use them to cover ourselves
to hide our beautiful feathers
or also to be stucked in our old ways,
so we will never be able to fly,
'cause we created these layers to hide,
a shield made out of pain and fear,
can we forgive ourselves from the past?
layers can become a lifestyle, my dear,
but it's just a fearful child,
we can let go of them, I'm sure we can,
but then there comes the question:
what are we without them?
Who do we have to please?
deep inside we know it's wrong,
this isn't what we want to be at all,
we also talked about a layer
the one that brings you peace,
so you get new feathers,
a layer who doesn't please others,
but only ourselves,
it doesn't mean it has to hurt the rest,
it's a healthy one if you feel in peace,
if you feel you have earned your own place,
so you won't be asking yourself at night:
"why do I act this way?",
because that one layer
doesn't have to pretend,
no doubt they all come
from somewhere shocking,
something lost,
something you kept blocking.
The conversation ended in: "thank you",
and a profound need to cry,
you live, you learn, you cry, you smile,
you are the result
of the things that made you
but we have the chance to decide,
doesn't mean I have to be forgiven,
I can't expect that,
so I better keep zero contact going on,
and these lines are for you if you ever read this:
I'm sorry, it's been hard for me to move on,
I've had a hard time
dealing with the ghost of you,
sometimes I think I love you, I smile,
sometimes I think I hate you, I cry
sometimes I think I'm happier
the times I'm not thinking about that,
("that" is the relationship we had,
all, the good and the bad)
then it all comes back,
and I smile, and I cry,
and I smile, and I cry,
sometimes I wish I had a bit of the strength you have,
I think I have been stronger before
but somehow everytime I get weaker,
in this process I've had the highest highs
but also the lowest lows,
Somehow I think I'm doing better
learning about life,
taking responsibility
so I don't blame a bad day for the weather,
my mind keeps closing and opening doors
also I have found things about me
that bring me straight to the floor
it's a long road,
thank you for being part of it,
I'm dealing with this
And I know I shouldn't involve you in this,
this is my way of letting you go.
By the end of our conversation,
I learned that pain isn't something we can measure,
but we can manage the way we take pain,
healing hurts, understanding I treasure,
can't keep going back to the way I came,
It's literal when they say "no pain, no gain".
And then we talked about layers,
how we use them to cover ourselves
to hide our beautiful feathers
or also to be stucked in our old ways,
so we will never be able to fly,
'cause we created these layers to hide,
a shield made out of pain and fear,
can we forgive ourselves from the past?
layers can become a lifestyle, my dear,
but it's just a fearful child,
we can let go of them, I'm sure we can,
but then there comes the question:
what are we without them?
Who do we have to please?
deep inside we know it's wrong,
this isn't what we want to be at all,
we also talked about a layer
the one that brings you peace,
so you get new feathers,
a layer who doesn't please others,
but only ourselves,
it doesn't mean it has to hurt the rest,
it's a healthy one if you feel in peace,
if you feel you have earned your own place,
so you won't be asking yourself at night:
"why do I act this way?",
because that one layer
doesn't have to pretend,
no doubt they all come
from somewhere shocking,
something lost,
something you kept blocking.
The conversation ended in: "thank you",
and a profound need to cry,
you live, you learn, you cry, you smile,
you are the result
of the things that made you
but we have the chance to decide,
if we stick to our shadow,
or we work to improve that,
"no happy endings" can also be a good start,
I thank him because I'm finally
getting to understand that.
I met someone else last night,
we were drinking and we talked,
he clearly pretended to be
someone he was not,
as he told me about his past
he started to let go of the layer he had
he can be so kind,
he can be a great man,
he's got a lot of fear for all the rejection,
deception and loss made him cold
I didn't talk about the layers,
but I told him he's a great man,
no need to be defensive, it's fine,
told him to be the person he knows he wants,
we have to forgive ourselves from the past,
I took that for me too,
"no happy endings" can also be a good start,
I thank him because I'm finally
getting to understand that.
I met someone else last night,
we were drinking and we talked,
he clearly pretended to be
someone he was not,
as he told me about his past
he started to let go of the layer he had
he can be so kind,
he can be a great man,
he's got a lot of fear for all the rejection,
deception and loss made him cold
I didn't talk about the layers,
but I told him he's a great man,
no need to be defensive, it's fine,
told him to be the person he knows he wants,
we have to forgive ourselves from the past,
I took that for me too,
it was nice but I'm definitely not the one
to teach someone, I just share,
It's good to have a good talk,
then it was time to say goodbye,
I gave him a hug and he smiled
I hope I did help him somehow
we all go at our own pace,
I thank everything and everyone
I have learned from,
thank you if you have ever put a smile
on my face,
accept the fact we're not perfect,
we keep learning
while the sun and the moon dance
after all,
we're nothing but humans
who came here to share.
7:06 p.m.
30.01.22
Cali.
I gave him a hug and he smiled
I hope I did help him somehow
we all go at our own pace,
I thank everything and everyone
I have learned from,
thank you if you have ever put a smile
on my face,
accept the fact we're not perfect,
we keep learning
while the sun and the moon dance
after all,
we're nothing but humans
who came here to share.
7:06 p.m.
30.01.22
Cali.
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